When Robots Attack

Ah, the wilderness. Camping and hiking in the woods is a favorite pasttime of mine. Not as good as, say, playing video games or sitting down, but still up there. On my list, it’s in between playing basketball and staring at the sun (my personal record is 18 seconds before my eyes start to burn).

While camping in your favorite national park is indeed fun, there are some things you have to look out for. Take proper care of any campfires you make. Watch out for bears. Bring bug spray. But most of all, take all necessary precautions in the event you encounter wild robots.

Robots in the wild differ greatly from their domesticated counterparts. While years of training have tempered domesticated robots’ hatred of humans, wild robots are just as hostile to people as they were hundreds, thousands of years ago. There have been multiple cases in the last year alone of wild robot attacks. Many are fatal.

Of course, municipalities and national parks have done their best to keep feral robots away from natural areas, but no place is completely secure. Given the current economic crisis, national parks can no longer emit electromagnetic pulses as often as they used to. However, there are a few easy steps you can take to keep yourself safe from a wild robot attack.

1) Be Alert. If you are like many people, you may become so engrossed in the natural ambiance of your surroundings–birds chirping, the wind rustling through the leaves–that you completely miss the metallic-sounding “DESTROY ALL HUMANS” in the distance. Enjoy nature, but be observant.

2) Avoid Confrontation. Under no circumstances should you try to attract a wild robot’s attention. Even the strongest man has no chance against a robot’s inhuman strength. If you hear or see a robot in the distance, proceed away from the robot as quickly and quietly as you can.

3) Arm Yourself. You should make sure you are properly armed whenever you visit a location that has a high wild robot population. While many weapons are only available to licensed robot hunters (contact your state’s wildlife and gaming commission for details), there is still a variety of laser pistols, explosives, and localized electronics scrambling devices available to the general consumer.

4) Do Not Climb A Tree To Escape A Robot. While it is common knowledge that robots can not climb trees (with the obvious exception of the now-domesticated Tree Climber Bot 5000), it is not the wisest choice in escaping certain death. Many wild robots are equipped with lasers, and can aim them with pinpoint accuracy. A few robots may even be powerful enough to simply knock the tree over, sending you tumbling as well! Unless you inflict significant damage to the wild robot’s solar power cells, it will wait indefinitely for you to tire and fall out of the tree.

5) Use Logic Traps. Try to propose a logical puzzle from which the robot will not recover. You may have to think quickly, which may be difficult to do in a crisis situation. For example, you could say to a robot, “You are programmed to destroy all humans. You are also attempting to beat me with the human arm you just tore from my body. Since you are using a human weapon, therefore you are partially human. Since you are programmed to destroy all humans, you must destroy yourself.” Use your quick, human wit to overcome a robot’s cold, hard logic.

I have only provided a few tips here which I’ve gained from my own experience. Of course, there are several more tips out there from other seasoned veterans. Please provide your own tips in the comments section. Every life lost to a wild robot attack is one life too many.