The Voice of Reason

Recently, two of my dumbest colleagues (G.I. Joe and Lord Nerdington the Third) have debated the merits and drawbacks of crossword puzzles and sudoku.  Relatively Journalizing seems to think crosswords are superior, while NUFAH has given sudoku its endorsement.

Not that theirs is a ringing endorsement.  Both Josh and Alex put the “F. U” in “fun;” the “bad man” in “show us on the doll where the bad man touched you.”

It’s time for the most important voice in this debate to be heard: me.  However, it’s important for me to establish some ethical ground rules for myself, which hopefully Josh and Alex will abide by as well.  

I promise I will not resort to ad hominem attacks in my debate with these two assholes.  Nor will I resort to distorting facts and blowing things out of proportion.  I know we will have a productive, intelligent conversation.

…

Who plays games with paper and pencil anymore?  Two groups still do, ignoring all the advances in technology we’ve made.  The first group is D & D nerds.  They choose to use their ‘imagination’ with their own ‘brains, usually in the comforts of their mothers’ basement. This is a terribly inefficient use of cognitive resources, which you will see later. 

The second group?  Crossworders and Sudoku-jerks.  These people are the scum of the earth.  Paper and pencil?  Words and numbers?  Please.  We have made incredible advances in gaming technology.  We can virtually travel through realistic, beautifully rendered, three-dimensional worlds.  We can save the world, or choose to destroy it.  We can perform a  Chocolate-Thunder-Flying, Robinzine-Crying, Teeth-Shaking, Glass-Breaking, Rump-Roasting, Bun-Toasting, Wham-Bam, Glass-Breaker-I-Am-Jam, or push it back out for a wide-open three.

Before, the only limit to our imaginations was grim, harsh reality.  We couldn’t really do all the things we wish we could do.  But now, through the science (and perhaps, magic) of video games, we can make our imaginations come to life.  We no longer have to waste precious brain power for recreational purposes.  We can devote the cognitive resources we free up through video games to solving more pressing global issues.

Of course, fun isn’t free.  You must have a television, a gaming console or computer, and gaming software, which can add up to a lot of cash.  Quite frankly though, if you don’t have money, you don’t deserve to have fun.  Only poor people think crosswords and sudoku could possibly be fun.  It’s a proven fact that I’ve said a lack of money leads to smaller brain mass and lower cognitive abilities.  Also, I hate poor people, and you should too.

As a final point, do you play crosswords and sudoku?  No, you would sound stupid if you said that.  First, because you imply you like those “games.”  Second, because you don’t play crosswords and sudoku.  You solve crosswords and sudoku.  How can those even be called games if you can’t play them?

So do you want to believe Alex and Josh, go to their decrepit cardboard box homes under the bridge,  be stupid, and solve crossword and sudoku puzzles all day?  Or do you want to embrace the future, plop down some dough, and play the latest, greatest, games ever made: video games?  I think you know the answer.

(For any poor people who know how to read and somehow got access to a computer and aren’t quite smart enough to figure out the answer, the answer is video games.)