The Coldest Night In Blacksburg

When I wake up in the morning, it is always a little chilly.  My room is colder than all the other rooms in the house, and I expect that.  Sunday morning, nursing a slight hangover, I woke up and saw my breath.

My breath?!  What the hell?  I put on my hoodie and crawled back into bed.  I was too lazy to check the thermostat, so I bundled up, got some extra blankets, and went back to sleep.  Not for long though.  I woke up again, colder than I was before.  What’s going on?

The roommates were away doing whatever.  I checked the thermostat.  It was as low as it could go, 50 degrees, but it felt even colder than that.  The heat, unfortunately, was turned on.  Whatevs, a circuit breaker must have tripped, I thought.  I checked the switch.  Nothing.  My household heat had gone away, leaving me to deal with the cold, cruel Blacksburg winter.

I immediately thought of my roommates.  They were gone.  No notes.  Nothing.  Had they done the unthinkable?  Had they abandoned me in the middle of winter, shutting off the heat in the house as a cruel, final prank?  I called one of them.  I had to know.

“Hey Evan, what’s up?”

“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?!  IT’S FUCKING FREEZING IN HERE! MAKE THE HEAT COME BACK!!!”

“What?”

“PICO IS CRYING BECAUSE IT’S TOO COLD!  MAKE THE HEAT TURN BACK ON!”

(Pico is my roommate’s cat.  She probably wasn’t concerned about the cold.   She also wasn’t crying, but was meowing constantly and annoyingly.  She was probably just hungry.)

“Calm down, just check the thermostat and if that doesn’t work, call the-”

I hung up the phone.  Of course, my roommate was panicking and couldn’t calm herself down to deal with this tragedy logically and effectively.  I would have to take matters into my own hands.

The first thing I would need to survive the cold, harsh Blacksburg winter in a house with no heat was a steady supply of food.  Freezing, I’m okay with; starving, however, is completely beneath me and I would have none of that nonsense.  I looked around.  I saw Pico sitting there, staring at me, and meowing.  I’ve briefly considered the cat as an emergency supply of nutrition before.  Now, it seemed like this hypothetical situation would turn into a reality.

But then I realized I had plenty of Ramen noodles and Chef Boyardee in the kitchen.  I could live off that for a while.  Pico, you’re safe for now.  Looking back, I could never cook you and eat you Pico.  You’re always the first one at the door when I come home, meowing your approval of my existence.  Me and my reliable, trustworthy, mentally-challenged feline friend would have to survive the winter together.

I sent Pico to look for firewood, but she insisted on getting strung out on catnip first.  Drugs have been an ongoing problem for Pico, and I really hope that by me making this public, she will finally get some help.  In the meantime, I would have to find firewood and kindling myself.  I found a bunch of wood outside, and some papers with words on them in a drawer in the kitchen.  I gathered the wood and kindling in a pile on the living room floor as I held a piece of paper in my hand, ready to light it with a match.  Before I could, I received a text from my roommate.

‘Call the realtor for emergency maintenance.  Number’s on the lease.’

The lease!  Of course!  I looked at the piece of paper in my hand, finding various clauses about rental terms as well as someone’s signature that looked uncannily like mine.  My signature!  This must be the lease!

I called for maintenance, and someone came promptly.  He asked what the deal was with the pile of sticks.

“Nothing.”

Unfortunately, after working at it for a while, he announced that he needed a part he would have to order.  He left me with three small space heaters and bade me farewell.  He would return the next day.  In the meantime, my roommates, Pico, and I would have to survive the long cold night ahead…

…

Will I survive the coldest night in Blacksburg with no heat?  You’ll have to wait until I write the next post to find out!  Or, uh, if my ghost or undead zombie self writes the next post.  Stay tuned!