There Can Only Be One

Someone has crossed me.  I have never been so offended, infuriated, and angry in my life.  How dare this person do this to me: Evan Serge!  This person’s very existence gets me rattled.  What happened, and who did it to you, you may be asking yourself.  Well, yourself, let me tell you why I am so angry, and let me  reveal the identity of this monster of a human being.

The person responsible is Evan Serge.

I had typed “Evan Serge” in to Google for the fifth time that day (like everyone does) to see how far my web presence had spread, when I noticed something new.  I clicked on the link, the browser going to some South Dakota hospital’s website.  That’s when I saw him.

Evan Serge, born November 21, 2008.  How dare he steal my name!  How dare he be born close to my birthday!  What kind of jerk does this kid think he is?  I mean, look at the little booger.  Note especially the way his eyes say, “I am the real Evan Serge!”:

Lies!  There can only be one Evan Serge, and that Evan Serge is me: Evan Serge!  Don’t let that adorable little face fool you; by his very existence, this boy is infringing on my greatness.  When he has grown to full-size, he may even challenge me to a duel to the death, to decide who gets to carry on the mantle of Evan Serge!  I have no doubt that I would emerge the victor in battles of both brawn and wit.  However, I prefer to deal with this jerk immediately rather than give him an inkling of a chance to defeat me.

No, I’m not planning on going to South Dakota to beat the shit out of a little baby; sorry to disappoint. I thought of something else that’s not quite as evil.  In five years, I could take a visit to young “Evan” and introduce myself to him.  I’ll reveal that I am his future self who has traveled into the past!  I’ll tell him that the future is a terrible place, but with his help, we can make it better.  I’ll tell him that in order to keep a terrible future from coming to pass, he must do everything I say.  I’ll then train him to be weak and stupid, and I’ll also train him to make nachos for me on command.  Finally, I will tell him that he must change his name.  If he asks why, I’ll make up something about the future.  It will probably involve giant robots with lasers.

Threat = neutralized.