Evan Writes A Doctoral Dissertation About Bugs and Shit

One of my roommates is an entomology PhD student.  Entomology, in case you don’t know, is generally the study of bugs.  Studying bugs has numerous wonderful applications, like, uh…..yeah.  Anyway, my roommate has an open offer to me that he will pay me one dollar for every page of his dissertation that I write.  I don’t know anything about bugs (I’m a communication major, so I don’t know about a lot of things), but he never said it had to be good.  Check out this description of his research that I found on the department website:

“Insects can be used for the determination of post mortem intervals (PMI) in cases of unknown death. Several approaches may be used for the estimation of PMIs, including the use of maggot developmental times and the use of successional data. Our research has involved the study of insect successional fauna on carcasses, the effects of ante mortem alcohol ingestion on fly development, and the effects of maggot activity on gunpowder residue retention. Current studies involve the dispersal of Oxycontin in the body and its effects on maggot development.”

The first thought that comes to mind after reading the first few words or so is BORING!  That said, I’ve taken some liberties with the direction of his research.  So, without further unnecessary introduction, here is my version of my roommate’s doctoral dissertation.

Title: The Birds and the Bees, Except Without the Birds, and Other Bugs in Addition to Bees: An Awkwardly-Titled Dissertation About Bugs and Shit.

Theoretical Background and Literature Review: Insects, arachnids, and other names for bugs I looked up in the dictionary are vitally important to the maintenance and functionality of human society.  For example, A Bug’s Life, Bee Movie, and Antz are examples of documentaries about the lives of various insects; I, for one, had no idea bugs frequently broke out into song and dance!  Bees also sound like Jerry Seinfeld.  Fascinating stuff.

Bugs are also fun to destroy.  When I was young, my brothers and I used to turn on the garden hose and flood out ants that had set up a colony in the sidewalk.  We watched their small, dead ant bodies float down the sidewalk into their final resting place in the grass.  Then we lit them on fire.  Also, salt causes slugs to melt!  This does not happen when you apply salt to humans, though you should never throw salt in your eye.  It’s easy to mistake “never” for “always,” so keep that in mind.  I’ve done that a number of times: never take candy from strangers, never go to the beach without sunscreen, never drink bleach, among other things.

Bugs also make different noises when you smash them, depending on the characteristics of their species.  One time, when I was in seventh grade, a female classmate of mine noticed a very large spider on the floor and freaked out.  I, being ever so chivalrous, stepped on the spider and crushed it to death, making a very loud crunching noise (which freaked her out more).  On the other hand, I smacked the shit out of this fly in my bathroom with a magazine, and I didn’t hear a sound!  This is important to note in all entomological research, not just doctoral dissertations like this fucking piece of awesomeness.

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Since this is a work in progress, I’ll stop here now.  My roommate owes me a dollar.